Scene – JEFF and BETH settle cozily onto the couch with Chinese food and prepare to watch TV. Jeff glances over at Beth, and flirts with her. She flirts back.
JEFF: I’m glad we got to spend more time together this weekend.
BETH: Me too. It’s been great.
They watch TV. Jeff puts his arm around her. They look into each other’s eyes, snuggle closer, as if about to kiss. Suddenly, a screeching, bird-like VOICE comes from offstage.
MOM (OS): Jeff!? Jeff – are you home?!
JEFF: Oh no.
BETH: Maybe if we’re quiet, she’ll go away…?
MOM: Jeff?! Is that you? Are you here?! I love you! It’s your mother, Jeff! Are you in there?
JEFF’S MOM enters in baggy housecoat, and loaded down with several large suitcases. When she talks she sounds like a broken, skipping record.
MOM: There you are! It’s me, Jeff! Your mother! I love you! Who’s this?! Who’s this?!
JEFF: It’s Beth, Mom. You’ve met, like, five times.
MOM: I’m his mother! I love him! Do you love him?
BETH (embarrassed): Uhm…well…uh…
MOM: I love him! I’m his mother!
JEFF: I didn’t know you were here, Mom.
MOM: I yelled! From outside!
JEFF: I guess I didn’t hear you.
MOM: I yelled 27 times!! Since early this morning?
BETH: What did you say?
Jeff glares at Beth. She smiles, innocently.
MOM: JEFF! THIS IS YOUR MOTHER! I LOVE YOU! THIS IS YOUR MOTHER!!
JEFF: Wow. I guess I just didn’t hear you.
Mom suddenly withdraws a large knife out of one of her suitcases and threatens them with it.
MOM: YOU DIDN’T?! I COULD KILL YOU!
There is a short moment of intense fear.
MOM: Just kidding. I love him! I’m his mother!
She puts the knife away. They relax, slightly.
JEFF: Why don’t you go upstairs and get some rest, Mom?
MOM: Oh no! I’ll just stay here! I’ll stay here with you!
BETH (to Jeff): Maybe we could find her a hotel?
MOM (pulling out knife again): Jeff! Jeff! I don’t like her! I DON’T LIKE HER!
Another moment of intense fear.
MOM: Just kidding. Do you love him?
Beth grits her teeth.
BETH: Uhm – that’s such a strong –
MOM: I love him, too!
BETH: You’re his mother!
MOM: Right! That’s me!
Suddenly, Mom drops all her suitcases, opens one up and starts rifling through it. She tosses clothes all over the room looking for whatever she is looking for.
MOM: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! It’s here! I know it’s here! I know it! I just know it’s here! WAIT! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I know it’s here! I know it’s here!
She stops for a moment and looks up.
MOM: I’m his mother.
Mom dives back into her bags.
MOM: AH HAH!
Triumphantly, she pulls out a DVD.
She puts it in the DVD player, nearby, turns it on and sits down. She opens another suitcase, which is full of nothing but popcorn. She eats and watches TV.
BETH: I’ve never seen Deadpool.
MOM: Great movie! Stay and watch!
JEFF (to Beth): Maybe we should go out?
MOM: STAY AND WATCH!
BETH: Why don’t we stay and watch for a while?
The stay and watch. The movie comes on. After a moment, Mom leans over and talks to Jeff. He is annoyed by her talking during the movie.
MOM: How are you? You look well. Grampa bought a new car! It has a stick shift. I can’t drive a stick shift!
JEFF (whispering): Shh…not during the movie, Mom.
MOM: What’s Bunco?! Everyone plays Bunco.
BETH: I think it’s a game drunk Soccer Moms play.
MOM: Bunco! Bunco! Bunco!
JEFF: Don’t encourage her.
MOM: When I was young I had a kitten!
JEFF: Mom, please –
MOM: His name was Snowball!
MOM: Snowball got hit by a car! BAM! No more Snowball! Ha ha.
JEFF: MOM, SHUT UP!
Beat. Mom looks hurt. Like she may cry. Jeff looks apologetic.
JEFF: Sorry. I’m sorry. It’s been a rough day.
Mom smiles. They all sit back and watch the movie. Mom starts singing.
MOM: Raindrops on roses and soft woolen mitten.
Flowers and laundry and 200 kittens.
Tie them all up with a big piece of string.
These are a few of my favorite things.
She start eating lots of popcorn while she sings.
MOM: Basketball, horseshoes and watching the Beaver.
Buying a new car and getting a fever.
Pinching the waiter and having a fling.
These are a few of my favorite-
Abruptly, she starts choking on popcorn. They watch her without helping. She chokes, falls to the ground, spazzes a bit-
MOM: Jeff! Jeff! I’m choking! I’m choking! I’m- Jeff! Jeff! This is your mother! I love you! I – I – I –
She chokes. Finally, Jeff smacks her on the back. She coughs out a piece of popcorn and passes out. They wait a second and then Jeff presses his fingers next to her throat, checking her pulse.
JEFF: …She’s fine.
BETH: Want to finish the movie?