mom comes to visit

Scene – JEFF and BETH settle cozily onto the couch with Chinese food and prepare to watch TV. Jeff glances over at Beth, and flirts with her.  She flirts back.

JEFF:  I’m glad we got to spend more time together this weekend.

BETH:  Me too.  It’s been great.

They watch TV.  Jeff puts his arm around her.  They look into each other’s eyes, snuggle closer, as if about to kiss.  Suddenly, a screeching, bird-like VOICE comes from offstage.

MOM (OS):  Jeff!?  Jeff – are you home?!

JEFF:  Oh no.

BETH:  Maybe if we’re quiet, she’ll go away…?

MOM:  Jeff?!  Is that you?  Are you here?!  I love you! It’s your mother, Jeff!  Are you in there?

JEFF’S MOM enters in baggy housecoat, and loaded down with several large suitcases. When she talks she sounds like a broken, skipping record.

MOM:  There you are!  It’s me, Jeff! Your mother! I love you! Who’s this?!  Who’s this?!

JEFF:  It’s Beth, Mom.  You’ve met, like, five times.

MOM:  I’m his mother!  I love him! Do you love him?

BETH (embarrassed):  Uhm…well…uh…

MOM:  I love him!  I’m his mother!

JEFF:  I didn’t know you were here, Mom.

MOM:  I yelled!  From outside!  

JEFF:  I guess I didn’t hear you.  

MOM:  I yelled 27 times!! Since early this morning?

BETH:  What did you say?

Jeff glares at Beth.  She smiles, innocently.  

MOM:  JEFF! THIS IS YOUR MOTHER!  I LOVE YOU! THIS IS YOUR MOTHER!!

JEFF:  Wow. I guess I just didn’t hear you.  

Mom suddenly withdraws a large knife out of one of her suitcases and threatens them with it.

MOM:  YOU DIDN’T?! I COULD KILL YOU!

There is a short moment of intense fear.

MOM:  Just kidding. I love him! I’m his mother!

She puts the knife away.  They relax, slightly.

JEFF:  Why don’t you go upstairs and get some rest, Mom?

MOM:  Oh no! I’ll just stay here! I’ll stay here with you!

BETH (to Jeff):  Maybe we could find her a hotel?

MOM (pulling out knife again):  Jeff!  Jeff! I don’t like her!  I DON’T LIKE HER!

Another moment of intense fear.

MOM:  Just kidding. Do you love him?

Beth grits her teeth.

BETH:  Uhm – that’s such a strong –

MOM:  I love him, too!

BETH:  You’re his mother!

MOM:  Right!  That’s me!

Suddenly, Mom drops all her suitcases, opens one up and starts rifling through it. She tosses clothes all over the room looking for whatever she is looking for.

MOM:  Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!  It’s here! I know it’s here! I know it! I just know it’s here! WAIT! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I know it’s here! I know it’s here!

She stops for a moment and looks up.

MOM:  I’m his mother.

Mom dives back into her bags.

MOM:  AH HAH!

Triumphantly, she pulls out a DVD.

MOM:  Deadpool!

She puts it in the DVD player, nearby, turns it on and sits down. She opens another suitcase, which is full of nothing but popcorn. She eats and watches TV.

BETH:  I’ve never seen Deadpool.

MOM:  Great movie! Stay and watch!

JEFF (to Beth):  Maybe we should go out?

MOM:  STAY AND WATCH!

BETH:  Why don’t we stay and watch for a while?

The stay and watch. The movie comes on.  After a moment, Mom leans over and talks to Jeff. He is annoyed by her talking during the movie.

MOM:  How are you?  You look well.  Grampa bought a new car! It has a stick shift.  I can’t drive a stick shift!

JEFF (whispering):  Shh…not during the movie, Mom.

MOM:  What’s Bunco?!  Everyone plays Bunco.  

BETH:  I think it’s a game drunk Soccer Moms play.

MOM:  Bunco! Bunco! Bunco!

JEFF:  Don’t encourage her.

MOM:  When I was young I had a kitten!

JEFF:  Mom, please –

MOM:  His name was Snowball!

JEFF:  Shhh…

MOM:  Snowball got hit by a car!  BAM! No more Snowball! Ha ha.

JEFF:  MOM, SHUT UP!  

Beat.  Mom looks hurt.  Like she may cry.  Jeff looks apologetic.  

JEFF:  Sorry. I’m sorry.  It’s been a rough day.

Mom smiles.  They all sit back and watch the movie.  Mom starts singing.

MOM:   Raindrops on roses and soft woolen mitten.

             Flowers and laundry and 200 kittens.

             Tie them all up with a big piece of string.

              These are a few of my favorite things.

She start eating lots of popcorn while she sings.

MOM:   Basketball, horseshoes and watching the Beaver.

             Buying a new car and getting a fever.

             Pinching the waiter and having a fling.

             These are a few of my favorite-

Abruptly, she starts choking on popcorn. They watch her without helping. She chokes, falls to the ground, spazzes a bit-

MOM:  Jeff! Jeff! I’m choking! I’m choking! I’m- Jeff! Jeff! This is your mother!  I love you! I – I – I –

She chokes.  Finally, Jeff smacks her on the back. She coughs out a piece of popcorn and passes out. They wait a second and then Jeff presses his fingers next to her throat, checking her pulse.

JEFF:  …She’s fine.

BETH:  Want to finish the movie?

JEFF:  Sure.

BLACKOUT

groucho in the bardo

Groucho in the Bardo – another piece from my new book Miserable Adventure Stories – is up today at HeadStuff.org.  Very cool site.  Check it out.

This piece features the Marx Brothers – (Zeppo, too! circa Duck Soup) – as well as many other famous film celebrities, and Lincoln.

This piece, FYI, was inspired by my mother’s intense interest in the new book, Lincoln in the Bardo – although you don’t need to have read that book to enjoy this piece.  In fact, you may enjoy this piece even more if you haven’t read that book.  If you’ve read the book, there’s the slight chance that this piece might actually make you angry.  Although, my mother loved this piece.  But hey, she’s my mother.

Here’s the opening:

Scene – The Bardo. A misty, foggy place. RUFUS T. FIREFLY  wanders about lost. There are sounds of faint WAILING and CRYING.

FIREFLY
Hello! Hellooo! Either I’m in Hell or the world’s worst sauna!

CHICOLINI appears – also lost. They both creep about, not seeing one another. Chicolini raises his fists, ready to fight.

CHICOLINI
Who’sa dat? I hear you, but I no see you! And that’s two a you, I already don’t like!

They slowly back into each other and collide, surprised. They’re approximately pleased to see one another.

FIREFLY
I should’ve known it was you – fog follows you everywhere!

CHICOLINI
At’sa true! Hey! This is some barbecue! I think you left the steaks on too long!

more

Pirated Video Sites Mostly Drop Louis C.K.

In light of his recent admission to sexual misconduct, the pirated video websites TorrentNitz and FreeeeMoviesNow! have removed most of their Louis C.K. content, including his emmy-winning FX show “Louie”, “Pootie Tang”, several of his earlier, less downloaded comedy specials, and his as-yet-unreleased-but-unbelievably-easy-to-obtain film “I Love You, Daddy.”

“We find this kind of behavior totally unacceptable of the people we steal content from,” said Roy Steemer, President and CEO of TorrentNitz. TorrentNitz recently removed a whole lot of their Kevin Spacey content.

In keeping with their standard policies and procedures, TorrentNitz and FreeMoviesNow! have already made “Justice League” available.

the d.w. eye reunion is happening

Yes, the d.w. eye Reunion is actually happening!  It’s going to be Friday, June 23, 2017 at the 20th Century Theater in Cincinnati.  For anyone who’s read Plrknib, this will essentially be the book coming to life before your very eyes (except everyone is significantly older).  Comedians appearing in the book who are scheduled to perform include Drew Hastings, Chili Challis, Rico Bruce Wade, Cap & Johnny, and myself.  (And this will be the first stand-up I’ve performed in Cinti in over 30 years!  Oy.)  We’re joined by a ton of great comics who performed at the eye shortly after the period that’s covered in the book, including Michael Flannery, Steve Caminiti, Jim Gilliece, and Mark Kline. And we expect to be joined by even more eye alumni.  (If you’re reading this and you ever performed at the eye, please contact me or Michael Flannery.)  Even Don Merriss, the original owner of the eye, will be on hand!

Flannery and I have been assembling this event for a couple months now.  If you’re in the area – this is going to be much more than a “night at a comedy club.”  We’re turning this into an event with a ton of surprises in store.

Also the night before the show, Thursday 6/22, we’ll be doing a signing of Plrknib at Joseph Beth Booksellers in Rookwood Pavilion.

For more info, please visit our new d.w. eye site. You can also let us know you’re coming by signing up at our Facebook event page.

More updates as we get them!

a plrknib mini-tour

plrknibmtour_020617b

So, we’ve got our first dates lined up for 2017!  All appearances include signings (and occasionally free copies!) of Plrknib.

Sunday, February 19 at 7p – I’ll be appearing at Scotty’s Comedy Cove in Springfield, NJ.  This is our first big Plrknib show of the year, and we’ll have free signed copies of the book!  Click here to make your reservations early!

Saturday, February 25 at 8p – I’m hosting the Comedy Night fundraiser at Temple Sholom in Scotch Plains, NJ.  We’ll have signed copies of the book for sale at this event with all profits donated to the temple.  Click here for more information and to make reservations.

Both shows will be great and include a ton of brilliant comics from the NY/NJ area.  Come join us!

PLRKNIB LAUNCHES ON AMAZON

16-final_102216h_med

I’m extremely excited to announce that Plrknib is now available at Amazon.

Plrknib – which has been serialized for the past year over at www.plrknib.com – is about my experience doing stand-up comedy during my senior year of high school in 1980.

Early reviews have been great.  Including:

“Hysterical, edge-of-your-seat drama.”

“The Power of Jokes permeates this book…in a way rarely seen in fiction.”

“I felt as though I was on stage with him 30 years ago.”

Plrknib retails for $1.99 (ebook) and $6.99 (paperback).

And! – for this week only – if you’d like a free review copy, contact me at alexb0917@gmail.com and we’ll set you up!

 

chris christie’s big adventure

ChristieForest

Hey, honey.   You know how I’m governor of one of the fifty states in America – and how that’s a really, really important thing???

Well, so, I was deep in the forest this morning – skipping along and minding my own business – la la la la la la la la la – when suddenly, I came upon a strange man with a bright, orange face and very tiny hands!

And he said, how would I like to trade my big, important governorship for a handful of magic beans!?  And a possible cabinet position!?  

And!  And – he said – I could travel all over with him – and even pick up his lunch!

Well, of course I said yes!

But then – he disappeared!!!  And now, I haven’t got anything left.

Not even the magic beans.  I ate them.

I’m so so sad.  I don’t know what to do.

I guess I’ll drive a bus for NJ Transit.

clifton

Clifton was a hippy town, a mini-Haight Asbury, but smaller and a bit cleaner.  It was the University of Cincinnati’s campus and during the 70’s the town was alive with bars, boutiques, head shops and restaurants like Zino’s Firehouse Pizza, In Cahoots with its mile-high reubens, and the Beacon-sized Bogarts, where any mid-level name band could make you feel like you were at a happening.

On Calhoun, sandwich row, you could start at one end, say, Adriatico’s Greek deli and work your way down, eating and barhopping.  Towards Clifton Ave you’d hit Arby’s, Wendy’s, the Acropolis, and then it was bar, bar, bar, bar, campus bookstore, bar, laundromat, Tony’s Pizza, bar, bar.

Chapter 6 of Plrknib begins