PLRKNIB LAUNCHES ON AMAZON

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I’m extremely excited to announce that Plrknib is now available at Amazon.

Plrknib – which has been serialized for the past year over at www.plrknib.com – is about my experience doing stand-up comedy during my senior year of high school in 1980.

Early reviews have been great.  Including:

“Hysterical, edge-of-your-seat drama.”

“The Power of Jokes permeates this book…in a way rarely seen in fiction.”

“I felt as though I was on stage with him 30 years ago.”

Plrknib retails for $1.99 (ebook) and $6.99 (paperback).

And! – for this week only – if you’d like a free review copy, contact me at alexb0917@gmail.com and we’ll set you up!

 

harry potter grows up

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My piece Harry Potter Grows Up – outlining a new series of middle-aged adventures for the former boy wizard is up at The Big Jewel.

Here’s an excerpt:

Discovering that she is thoroughly unable to stop writing about her beloved creation, J. K. Rowling has announced a new spate of Harry Potter books chronicling his further adventures into adulthood.  Some upcoming titles include:

Harry Potter and…

The Nagging Quidditch Knee Injury

The Greatly Delayed Loan Payments for Three Damn Kids at Hogwarts

The Long-Delayed Switch from Owls to Skype

The Inappropriate Trade of Snapchat Pix with Luna Lovegood

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15 best things about yom kippur

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  • Rabbi promised this year’s service much more fun and upbeat
  • Great time to brush up on your ABCs of Sin
  • JC Penney having its annual Day O’ Sufferin’ White Sale
  • One day of year that you get to make your “A-Toney the Tiger” joke
  • Infidelities from previous six months pretty much taken care of now
  • Fewer candy wrapper sounds than at regular service
  • Terrific time to really read all 3,259 memorial plaques in temple hallway
  • Silent Prayer – good time to think about all the bacon and shellfish you’ll be eating at break fast
  • Silent Prayer – great time to imagine Cantor suddenly breaking into Battle of Evermore
  • Pre-paid ambulances ready and waiting for post-break fast heart attacks and food comas
  • Fasting and gorging good practice for future anorexics
  • Fun visit from Yom Kippur Kevin and his Big’ Bag O’ Guilt
  • Having to explain to older folks that YK is not a virus that will attack their computer
  • Going into confessional booth to tell the Rabbi your sins
  • You waited all year to hear the Shofar and now, finally – wait, what?

19 best things about september

Can finally let the dog grow his hair back out.

Velcro cargo shorts no longer ruining all clothes in the laundry.

Not so much incentive to continue chlorinating the pool.

Great chance to see new Fall TV lineup before all shows are cancelled.

Excellent chance to catch up on moping.

Jewish high holidays always a rockin’ good time.

Less arguing with loved ones re what constitutes sweltering.

Neighbor had way more fireflies than you.

Couch occupied by children miraculously available again.

Harvest season looks promising.

Good time to stock up on batteries for upcoming hurricanes.

No more distracting, scantily clad women everywhere, all the time.

Great opportunity to pro-actively lower expectations for upcoming basketball season.

Irritation over everyone saying that went way too quickly! starting to diminish.

Thrilled to see Congress back in session and really getting some work done.

Not as concerned about whether or not people are effectively recycling their 3-D glasses.

Never had a tan, and don’t care anymore.

Not so bad if you’re an infant.

Reality that we adults never actually had the summer off abundantly clear now.

chris christie’s big adventure

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Hey, honey.   You know how I’m governor of one of the fifty states in America – and how that’s a really, really important thing???

Well, so, I was deep in the forest this morning – skipping along and minding my own business – la la la la la la la la la – when suddenly, I came upon a strange man with a bright, orange face and very tiny hands!

And he said, how would I like to trade my big, important governorship for a handful of magic beans!?  And a possible cabinet position!?  

And!  And – he said – I could travel all over with him – and even pick up his lunch!

Well, of course I said yes!

But then – he disappeared!!!  And now, I haven’t got anything left.

Not even the magic beans.  I ate them.

I’m so so sad.  I don’t know what to do.

I guess I’ll drive a bus for NJ Transit.

clifton

Clifton was a hippy town, a mini-Haight Asbury, but smaller and a bit cleaner.  It was the University of Cincinnati’s campus and during the 70’s the town was alive with bars, boutiques, head shops and restaurants like Zino’s Firehouse Pizza, In Cahoots with its mile-high reubens, and the Beacon-sized Bogarts, where any mid-level name band could make you feel like you were at a happening.

On Calhoun, sandwich row, you could start at one end, say, Adriatico’s Greek deli and work your way down, eating and barhopping.  Towards Clifton Ave you’d hit Arby’s, Wendy’s, the Acropolis, and then it was bar, bar, bar, bar, campus bookstore, bar, laundromat, Tony’s Pizza, bar, bar.

Chapter 6 of Plrknib begins

barb

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I’m quite pleased to announce that my new piece Barb is now up at The Big Jewel.  And just in time for Valentine’s Day!

Here’s a little excerpt:

 

Barb was extremely popular in a way that I was extremely not.

There was something about Barb. The way she chewed her pens and threw them out before the ink exploded. And then I’d retrieve the pens and chew where she chewed, even if they did explode. And then I’d have blue teeth for weeks. And people would go, Eugh. He’s been chewing Barb’s pens again. Loser!

We had a special relationship, me and Barb.

She was always there for me. When I tripped in the hallway, she was there. When I spilled lunch on myself, she was there. When I got shoved into lockers, she was there. And usually helping to change the locks.

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please stop with your back-to-school ads already

Can you please stop with your back-to-school ads already?  I hate back-to-school.  I have two weeks left of summer and I’d like to enjoy them sitting on my back porch getting drunk, doing nothing, and not hearing about back-to-school all the time.  I don’t care that this is your big pre-school sales season and that you will lose this incredible opportunity to sell Dora backpacks and Bieber pencil sets by the truckload.  I don’t care.  This is still MY summer.  And your back-to-school ads are pissing me off.  I hate back-to-school more than my kid and I’m not even in school.

So, if you could please wait until after Labor Day – maybe around Halloween – to start putting your back-to-school crap on every object everywhere at all times that would be really really excellent.

Thank you.