- Rabbi promised this year’s service much more fun and upbeat
- Great time to brush up on your ABCs of Sin
- JC Penney having its annual Day O’ Sufferin’ White Sale
- One day of year that you get to make your “A-Toney the Tiger” joke
- Infidelities from previous six months pretty much taken care of now
- Fewer candy wrapper sounds than at regular service
- Terrific time to really read all 3,259 memorial plaques in temple hallway
- Silent Prayer – good time to think about all the bacon and shellfish you’ll be eating at break fast
- Silent Prayer – great time to imagine Cantor suddenly breaking into Battle of Evermore
- Pre-paid ambulances ready and waiting for post-break fast heart attacks and food comas
- Fasting and gorging good practice for future anorexics
- Fun visit from Yom Kippur Kevin and his Big’ Bag O’ Guilt
- Having to explain to older folks that YK is not a virus that will attack their computer
- Going into confessional booth to tell the Rabbi your sins
- You waited all year to hear the Shofar and now, finally – wait, what?
Fewer Manischewitz-related DUIs this year.
Party hats good all year round.
Another chance to join elite “I Slept in Temple” club.
Dirge-like tunes actually increase lifespan.
Great day to reflect on poor, horn-less rams everywhere.
Highly fortuitous time to rob houses en masse when all Jews simultaneously called to temple.
Opportunity to resent fellow Jewish co-worker who took day off to go bowling.
Finally get to re-use handicap parking tag from when Grandma broke leg three years ago.
Seeing how many middle-age men yell “Tequi-la!” when Cantor blows shofar.
After 3 days of non-stop prayer, Apple beside itself with excitement.
When ball drops at midnight, everyone yelling Happy 5775!
Awareness that Rabbi can’t wait for it to end either.