Even Santa agrees – Miserable Holiday Stories is the perfect holiday gift for that very special someone you’d rather never hear from again!
Featuring the the infamous chapter-book parody “The #$@!# Bicycle Boys Save Christmas, Again!” and stories from such eclectic journals as The Big Jewel, Litro, Corvus, eFiction, Dysfunctional Family Story, The Legendary, Blue Print Review, and Hobo Pancakes!
This collection of quirky, bittersweet tales is a terrific stocking stuffer and cheaper than coal!
Now available in e-book and cheap paperback to boot!
It’s the perfect stocking stuffer and cheaper than coal!
For the first time ever, Miserable Holiday Stories is now available in a print edition! And just in time for the holidays!
Yes, now you can actually wrap up a physical copy of Miserable Holiday Stories – with a bow, if you like! – and send sleigh-loads of seasonal misery to family members and other people you don’t really like. And, unlike the e-version, the print version is flammable and ready to help set your yule log ablaze!
Featuring the infamous chapter-book parody The #$@!# Bicycle Boys Save Christmas, Again!, the new print version of Miserable Holiday Stories is available from your favorite online retailers as well as discerning bookstores everywhere!
Last year, around Christmas time, three Santa Clauses – two tall ones, and a short, fat, jolly one – followed me onto the subway. I didn’t think they were following me, per se. But still, there they were. It was rush hour and the subway car was packed. Not sardines packed, but full. And I pressed myself up against the back wall, which is where I stand when I’m standing in a subway car. And the Santas were nearby, huddled together. One of the tall ones had an mp3 player turned up way too loud. The other ate a sandwich from a bag.
And after a minute I noticed that all three seemed to be staring at me and nodding and whispering. And I thought, nah, they’re not looking at me. But they were. And then everyone in the car was staring at them staring at me, some smirking. And I was creeped out and pissed. And then one of the Santas – the short, fat jolly one – lifted his hand and pointed a finger at my crotch.
And I looked down…and saw my fly was open.
So, I turned to the back wall, nonchalantly, and zipped up. When I turned back, the short Santa nodded and smiled: good job. The mp3 Santa gave me a thumbs up.
And I said the only thing you really could say at that point:
“Santa Claus has been kidnapped!” exclaimed the President of the United States. “This is a crisis only The Bicycle Boys can handle!”
I’m pleased to announce that The #$@!# Bicycle Boys Save Christmas, Again! has been released as a Kindle eBook on Amazon.com. In a stand-alone tale from Miserable Holiday Stories, Flip and Chip, junior detectives, go on their wildest adventure yet in this “fake” chapter book that Amazon readers are calling “hilariously funny.” (No, really, they’re actually calling it that.)
Even more importantly, from now until 12/31/14 all proceeds from both Bicycle Boys and Miserable Holiday Stories (after Amazon takes their cut) will be donated to Newark Renaissance House! – a specialized therapeutic community designed to meet the unique needs of adolescents, and men and women who are suffering from the affects of substance abuse. Since 1975, Newark Renaissance House has been saving thousands of lives, one day at a time.
Click here to order Bicycle Boys.
Click here to order Miserable Holiday Stories.
For more information on Newark Renaissance House, please go to www.nrh.org.
Time for a Miserable Holiday Stories update! Here are some random answers to questions that no one was really asking.
- MHS is now up on Nook and Smashwords.
- The Nook and Smashwords versions have different Easter egg stories than the one on Amazon. (And Amazon’s had two so far.) So, floating out there on the internet – I’m not saying “on the webs” – doesn’t that sound awful? – there are four different Easter egg stories.
- Honestly, they’re not even really all “stories”. Well, a couple of them are pretty much stories. But a couple of them are just extended bits. All run a half-page or so. So, quantity-wise they’re all pretty equal. They’re all pretty equal quality-wise, too, actually. So no harm, no foul.
- All of the pieces are, at least, winter-themed, if not holiday-themed. Because I know that’s really important.
- The names of the pieces are: “Too Much Snow”, “Norelco Electric Shaver”, “Santas on the Subway”, and “Blizzard”.
- One of them is a particular favorite. But they’re all pretty good, in my opinion. I feel no shame in offering up any of them, and my goal was to make them all fairly equal in worth.
One question that some people have actually asked:
- Yes, I did the cover myself.
- The cover at the top, btw, was planned to be the cover for quite a long time, until about a day before we published – at which point it was pointed out that this would look way too small in the thumbnails that Amazon so often uses. Hence, the current cover with the really big fonts.
Hmm. What else?
- Got some nice reviews on Amazon. Hey!
- (Feel free to add your own!)
- The book remains vaguely readable, despite the fact that the holidays are over. In other words, many of the stories will most likely still depress you, 24/7/365. But having a pumpkin latte nearby may add to the overall misery quotient.)
About the Easter Egg story.
So, it occurred to me when I was assembling Miserable Holiday Stories as an ebook that it might be fun to include an extra story in there, like a hidden extra track on an album. So, if you were one of the people that downloaded the book in the first 24 hours, the Easter Egg story was called “Too Much Snow.” (It was only a page long.) But within that first 24 hours, I was feeling uncomfortable about some of the language in that story and I decided to swap it out for a different story, which is what I did. Since the new piece was also only one page, I simply swapped it out and it didn’t change the formatting of the book or the table of contents or anything, really.
And then it occurred to me that – since this is currently an ebook-only format – I can do this as often as I want. So, no matter when you download the book, you’ll always get the 10 listed stories. But say, over the course of a year, 10 people could have 10 slightly different versions with 10 different Easter Egg stories, making each periodic “run” of the book a kind of limited collector’s edition!
I have no idea if this is actually innovative or not. But I don’t know that I’ve heard of anybody else doing it…
Since there’s currently no print version, I have no idea how this impacts the idea of a “first edition” or not. It’s all just virtual editions. At the moment, I’ve only swapped out the story once. But I like the idea in theory, and could imagine doing it again soon, depending on how people respond. And then maybe in ten years, if this thing goes anywhere, I can publish a book that’s just all the Easter Eggs.
And then maybe that book would have one Easter Egg story.