19 best things about september

Can finally let the dog grow his hair back out.

Velcro cargo shorts no longer ruining all clothes in the laundry.

Not so much incentive to continue chlorinating the pool.

Great chance to see new Fall TV lineup before all shows are cancelled.

Excellent chance to catch up on moping.

Jewish high holidays always a rockin’ good time.

Less arguing with loved ones re what constitutes sweltering.

Neighbor had way more fireflies than you.

Couch occupied by children miraculously available again.

Harvest season looks promising.

Good time to stock up on batteries for upcoming hurricanes.

No more distracting, scantily clad women everywhere, all the time.

Great opportunity to pro-actively lower expectations for upcoming basketball season.

Irritation over everyone saying that went way too quickly! starting to diminish.

Thrilled to see Congress back in session and really getting some work done.

Not as concerned about whether or not people are effectively recycling their 3-D glasses.

Never had a tan, and don’t care anymore.

Not so bad if you’re an infant.

Reality that we adults never actually had the summer off abundantly clear now.

celebrity piranha kicking

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Sample Six Pistols sketch

Scene:  Generic game show music comes up. WINK MARTINDALE addresses the audience. Nearby, are JOHN DAVIDSON, FRANK W. DIXON, and TED NUGENT. They stand near the Amazon River.

WINK: Hi, I’m Wink Martinjerk, and you’ve tuned in to Celebrity Piranha Kicking!  This is South America – the Amazon River!  Today, we’ve got John Davidson, famous author Frank W. Dixon and Ted Nugent.

JOHN: Hi!

FRANK: Gee, chums, hello.

TED: LET’S ROCK!

 

The third chapter of Plrknib keeps on keeping on.  Click here to continue.

©2016 Bernstein/Doster

what it is

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Plrknib is a memoir about my experience doing stand-up comedy in Cincinnati in 1980-81 when I was 16-17 years old.

I’m going to be serializing it weekly over at www.plrknib.com.  It’s about 35+ chapters, so depending on how fast I post, it should be complete by the fall.

Most of the entries will be straight chapters from the book.  But I’ll also be doing some meta chapters – over there and over here – like this one, explaining what’s going on behind the scenes.

Plrknib” itself is the name of a single, extremely important joke that appears about halfway through the story.

Almost every stand-up comic mentioned in the book is real, and many of them are still going strong today.  (Where and when appropriate, I’ll link to them and their websites.)  And d.w. eye was the very real comedy club we all performed at.

The rest of the names (e.g. people from high school, etc.) are, for the most part, changed.

If you were a teenager in the late 70’s/early 80’s – or a fan of stand-up – and other – comedy of the day, this should be right up your alley.

Thanks for taking the trip with me.

please stop with your back-to-school ads already

Can you please stop with your back-to-school ads already?  I hate back-to-school.  I have two weeks left of summer and I’d like to enjoy them sitting on my back porch getting drunk, doing nothing, and not hearing about back-to-school all the time.  I don’t care that this is your big pre-school sales season and that you will lose this incredible opportunity to sell Dora backpacks and Bieber pencil sets by the truckload.  I don’t care.  This is still MY summer.  And your back-to-school ads are pissing me off.  I hate back-to-school more than my kid and I’m not even in school.

So, if you could please wait until after Labor Day – maybe around Halloween – to start putting your back-to-school crap on every object everywhere at all times that would be really really excellent.

Thank you.

Rejected Ben & Jerry’s Passover Flavors

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My piece, Rejected Ben & Jerry’s Passover Flavors is up at McSweeney’s.

Here’s a preview:


Why is this ice cream different from all other ice creams?

Bread O’ Affliction! – Sure, we wanted to use real bread, but who has the time?!

Gephilte Phish! – Random, minced fish pieces in a fabulous jellied froth!

Let My People Go Eat Ice Cream! – From Yahweh’s mouth to your freezer!  Right now!

Karpas-tacular!It really is!

Coupons available Next Year in Jerusalem!

more

santas on the subway

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Last year, around Christmas time, three Santa Clauses – two tall ones, and a short, fat, jolly one – followed me onto the subway.  I didn’t think they were following me, per se.  But still, there they were.  It was rush hour and the subway car was packed.  Not sardines packed, but full.  And I pressed myself up against the back wall, which is where I stand when I’m standing in a subway car.  And the Santas were nearby, huddled together.  One of the tall ones had an mp3 player turned up way too loud.  The other ate a sandwich from a bag.

And after a minute I noticed that all three seemed to be staring at me and nodding and whispering.  And I thought, nah, they’re not looking at me.  But they were.  And then everyone in the car was staring at them staring at me, some smirking.  And I was creeped out and pissed.  And then one of the Santas – the short, fat jolly one – lifted his hand and pointed a finger at my crotch.

And I looked down…and saw my fly was open.

So, I turned to the back wall, nonchalantly, and zipped up.  When I turned back, the short Santa nodded and smiled: good job.  The mp3 Santa gave me a thumbs up.

And I said the only thing you really could say at that point:

Merry Christmas!

the #$@!# bicycle boys save christmas, again! (and so can you!)

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“Santa Claus has been kidnapped!” exclaimed the President of the United States. “This is a crisis only The Bicycle Boys can handle!”

I’m pleased to announce that The #$@!# Bicycle Boys Save Christmas, Again! has been released as a Kindle eBook on Amazon.com. In a stand-alone tale from Miserable Holiday Stories, Flip and Chip, junior detectives, go on their wildest adventure yet in this “fake” chapter book that Amazon readers are calling “hilariously funny.”  (No, really, they’re actually calling it that.)

Even more importantly, from now until 12/31/14 all proceeds from both Bicycle Boys and Miserable Holiday Stories (after Amazon takes their cut) will be donated to Newark Renaissance House! – a specialized therapeutic community designed to meet the unique needs of adolescents, and men and women who are suffering from the affects of substance abuse.  Since 1975, Newark Renaissance House has been saving thousands of lives, one day at a time.

Click here to order Bicycle Boys.

Click here to order Miserable Holiday Stories.

For more information on Newark Renaissance House, please go to www.nrh.org.

15 best things about yom kippur

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  • Rabbi promised this year’s service much more fun and upbeat
  • Great time to brush up on your ABCs of Sin
  • JC Penney having its annual Day O’ Sufferin’ White Sale
  • One day of year that you get to make your “A-Toney the Tiger” joke
  • Infidelities from previous six months pretty much taken care of now
  • Fewer candy wrapper sounds than at regular service
  • Terrific time to really read all 3,259 memorial plaques in temple hallway
  • Silent Prayer – good time to think about all the bacon and shellfish you’ll be eating at break fast
  • Silent Prayer – great time to imagine Cantor suddenly breaking into Battle of Evermore
  • Pre-paid ambulances ready and waiting for post-break fast heart attacks and food comas
  • Fasting and gorging good practice for future anorexics
  • Fun visit from Yom Kippur Kevin and his Big’ Bag O’ Guilt
  • Having to explain to older folks that YK is not a virus that will attack their computer
  • Going into confessional booth to tell the Rabbi your sins
  • You waited all year to hear the Shofar and now, finally – wait, what?