12 best things about rosh hashanah

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Fewer Manischewitz-related DUIs this year.

Party hats good all year round.

Another chance to join elite “I Slept in Temple” club.

Dirge-like tunes actually increase lifespan.

Great day to reflect on poor, horn-less rams everywhere.

Highly fortuitous time to rob houses en masse when all Jews simultaneously called to temple.

Opportunity to resent fellow Jewish co-worker who took day off to go bowling.

Finally get to re-use handicap parking tag from when Grandma broke leg three years ago.

Seeing how many middle-age men yell “Tequi-la!” when Cantor blows shofar.

After 3 days of non-stop prayer, Apple beside itself with excitement.

When ball drops at midnight, everyone yelling Happy 5775!

Awareness that Rabbi can’t wait for it to end either.

19 best things about september

Can finally let the dog grow his hair back out.

Not so much incentive to continue chlorinating the pool.

Great chance to see new Fall TV lineup before all shows are cancelled.

Excellent chance to catch up on moping.

Shorts with Velcro no longer ruining all clothes in the laundry.

High holidays always a rockin’ good time.

Less arguing with loved ones re what constitutes sweltering.

Neighbor had way more fireflies than you.

Couch occupied by children miraculously available again.

Harvest season looks promising.

Good time to stock up on batteries for upcoming hurricanes.

No more distracting, scantily clad women everywhere, all the time.

Great opportunity to pro-actively lower expectations for upcoming basketball season.

Irritation over everyone saying that went way too quickly! starting to diminish.

Thrilled to see Congress back in session and really getting some work done.

Not as concerned about whether or not people are effectively recycling their 3-D glasses.

Never had a tan, and don’t care anymore.

Not so bad if you’re an infant.

Reality that we adults never actually had the summer off abundantly clear now.

post-modern clichés

Don’t eat any wooden nickels.

You have to burn a lot of bridges to make an omelette.

The suspense is mildly annoying me.

It’s like pulling teeth from a baby.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can do next week.

“Trouble’s” my maiden name. I kept it after the wedding.

You made your coffee and now you’ve got to sleep in it.

      feel free to add your own…

downton abbey – breaking bad mash-up

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Scene – Lord Grantham, in breakfast tuxedo, wanders about the first floor of the house, squinting and covering his eyes.  He looks for his wife, worried.  Elegantly dressed servants and family members rush about, bewildered.  A peculiar smoke and an awful odor permeate the manor. 

LORD GRANTHAM
Cora!  What’s that awful smell?!  Is that from the kitchen?

Mrs. Padmore, the cook, covering her head, runs out through the back door.

LORD GRANTHAM
Mrs. Padmore!  Mrs. – is that mustard gas?!

There’s a tremendous BOOM that rocks the house.  Debris falls everywhere and blue crystals float about the air like snow.

LORD GRANTHAM
My God!  Was that an explosion?!

Lady Edith, Lady Crawley, and Lady Mary – all in elegant morningwear (except Lady Mary who wears elegant mourningwear) – rush in, panicked and cower behind furniture.  They are quickly followed by two men in gas masks and yellow Tychem hazmat suits.

LADY MARY
Daddy!  I think we’re at war again!

Hazmat Man 1 raises his hands apologetically.

HAZMAT MAN 1
Sorry!  Sorry!  Does anyone have a phone I could borrow?

John Bates – Lord Grantham’s valet – rushes in brandishing fireplace tongs.  He faces off with Hazmat Man 1.  Lord Grantham hiding behind a priceless grecian statue calls to Bates.

LORD GRANTHAM
Are these more friends of yours, Bates?!

BATES
We’ll know in a minute, milord!

Hazmat Man 2 goes over to the women hiding behind the furniture and holds his arms open to them excitedly.

HAZMAT MAN 2
Yo yo yo!  swanky, turn-of-century bitches!  ‘Sup!

breaking bad – the flynn phone

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INT.  WHITE LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
SKYLER, tearful and distraught, speaks on the phone to WALT.  POLICEMEN, nearby, listen in on the conversation.

INTERCUT

EXT.  STREET
WALT, angry, bleeding, and distraught, talks emotionally to Skyler.

SKYLER
Just come home.

WALT
I’ve still got things left to do.

Walt hangs up and attempts to rip his cellphone in half, but – surprisingly – it doesn’t break.  Ferociously, he twists and twists and twists at it.  He smashes in against his car.  It still doesn’t break.  Angrily, he throws the phone to the ground and jumps up and down on it.  He pulls out a gun and shoots it.  He picks the phone up and stares at it, wide-eyed.  It’s in perfect condition.

MONTAGE of Walt trying different methods to destroy the phone.

* METH LAB – in yellow, Tychem hazmat suit, Walt holds the phone – via pincers – over a vat of bubbling, smoking acid.  He dips the phone, then brings it back up.  The phone is perfect.
* BEHIND GARAGE – Walt tries to pull the phone apart via gigantic electromagnets.  A nearby RV shakes uncontrollably.  The cellphone doesn’t move.  Walt reacts, impressed.
* LARGE CONCRETE BUNKER – Walt flings a piece of crystal at the phone, which causes a massive explosion.  The phone remains unharmed.  Walt stares, agog.  The phone BUZZES.

A text message appears:    CAN I PLEASE GET THE DEMO PHONE BACK?  IT’S MY ONLY COPY!!! – SAUL

Walt stares at phone.  A devious idea comes to him, and he grins.

INT.  SAUL GOODMAN’S OFFICE – DAY
SAUL, recently killed, lies in a pool of blood in his office.

EXT.  SAUL GOODMAN’S OFFICE
Walt rushes out of the office, gun dangling by his side.

EXT. HIGHWAY
Walt with giant barrel of money and bags waits to be picked up by SAUL’s NEW IDENTITY MAN.  A van pulls up, Walt gets in.  The van zooms off.

TITLE        ONE YEAR LATER

INT.  LIVING ROOM SET – DAY
A cheery INFOMERCIAL.  Walt, poorly disguised, with dark full head of hair, muttonchops and a skewed Dali-esque moustache, sits on a large couch next to his cheerful young new WIFE who cradles their newborn baby SON.  They look very familial and sit across from JOAN RIVERS.  Joan holds up a bright, crystal blue cellphone and addresses the camera.

JOAN
You can smash it, bash it, crush it, drop it out of a plane, poison it with Ricin!  This phone will work!  What’s it called again?

WALT
(proudly) The Flynn.  Made from my own special sauce!

JOAN
And if billionaire Whitey Waltzenberger –

WALT happily points to himself.

JOAN
– and his family believe in it, you should too!

WALT and his new WIFE joyfully hold up their phones.

JOAN
Thank you, Whitey!

WALT
Thank you, Joan!

JOAN
Can I keep this?

WALT
I would advise against it.

They all laugh.  Walt starts to cough – and coughs up some blood into his hand.

SUPER
The FLYNN
$39.99 for the next 20 minutes!
May not be available in New Mexico