Rejected Ben & Jerry’s Passover Flavors

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Why is this ice cream different from all other ice creams?

Bread O’ Affliction! – Sure, we wanted to use real bread, but who has the time?!

Gephilte Phish! – Random, minced fish pieces in a fabulous jellied froth!

Let My People Go Eat Ice Cream! – From Yahweh’s mouth to your freezer!  Right now!

Karpas-tacular!It really is!

Coupons available Next Year in Jerusalem!

view the whole thing at McSweeney’s

miserable review on new pop lit

MISERABLE ADVENTURE STORIES is a variegated collection of pop fiction by one of the best practitioners of the pop story, Alex Bernstein. Three of the stories aren’t miserable, they’re masterful…

Okay, you’re not supposed to draw attention to reviews – because then it’s like cherry picking if you don’t show the bad ones.  But this one is so nice.  (Listen, when Simon & Schuster start publishing my books, we can start a new conversation about it.)

The good folks over at New Pop Lit call the stories in MAS “Masterful examples of the pop genre” and “all entertaining”.  You can read the full review here.  Book reviews are a new sleeve over at NPL, and their other reviews are tremendously insightful about all the books they’re reading, new and old.  And as always, check out the rest of their site for some of today’s best up and coming authors.

Of course, you can easily discover what’s so masterful and entertaining about Miserable Adventure Stories by picking up your own copy here.  You can also find it at many of your better bookstores.  Ask for it by name!

Miserable Adventure Stories – Now Available!

I’m pleased as punch to announce the arrival of my second fiction collection, Miserable Adventure Stories – just in time for the holidays!

MAS is a pulpy, genre-bending brew of pieces that have appeared over the past few years at New Pop Lit, The Big Jewel, The Zodiac Review, Defenestrationism, HeadStuff, Blue Skirt Productions, Saturday Night Reader, Near to the Knuckle, and Gi60.  It’s a companion piece to Miserable Holiday Stories (both of which are now available in lovely print editions!), and…it’s, uhm, actually much funnier than that volume, IMO.

MAS features a whopping 15 stories, including the soon-to-be classics “The Rottweiler”, “Across the Tundra”, and the fresh-off-the-presses parody of Lincoln in the Bardo – “Groucho in the Bardo”.

Here’s the blurb from Amazon:

Tentacled monsters! Frozen wastelands! Nixon! Sherlock Holmes! Groucho! In his latest collection, the author of “Miserable Holiday Stories!” takes you to Victorian London, the Old West, alien worlds, Hamlet’s Denmark and other fantastic places that you would absolutely never want to visit. Featuring stories from The Big Jewel, New Pop Lit, The Zodiac Review, and other literary journals with equally fancy names, this head-scratchingly awful collection will make you wonder why you didn’t just stay home and rent a movie.

Miserable Adventure Stories retails for a measly $6.99 in paperback and an even measlier $1.99 for the e-book.

Order both collections and give your loved ones a truly disastrous stocking stuffer!

 

Miserable Holiday Stories – Now in Print!

It’s the perfect stocking stuffer and cheaper than coal!

For the first time ever, Miserable Holiday Stories is now available in a print edition!  And just in time for the holidays!

Yes, now you can actually wrap up a physical copy of Miserable Holiday Stories – with a bow, if you like! – and send sleigh-loads of seasonal misery to family members and other people you don’t really like.  And, unlike the e-version, the print version is flammable and ready to help set your yule log ablaze!

Featuring the infamous chapter-book parody The #$@!# Bicycle Boys Save Christmas, Again!, the new print version of Miserable Holiday Stories is available from your favorite online retailers as well as discerning bookstores everywhere!

Pirated Video Sites Mostly Drop Louis C.K.

In light of his recent admission to sexual misconduct, the pirated video websites TorrentNitz and FreeeeMoviesNow! have removed most of their Louis C.K. content, including his emmy-winning FX show “Louie”, “Pootie Tang”, several of his earlier, less downloaded comedy specials, and his as-yet-unreleased-but-unbelievably-easy-to-obtain film “I Love You, Daddy.”

“We find this kind of behavior totally unacceptable of the people we steal content from,” said Roy Steemer, President and CEO of TorrentNitz. TorrentNitz recently removed a whole lot of their Kevin Spacey content.

In keeping with their standard policies and procedures, TorrentNitz and FreeMoviesNow! have already made “Justice League” available.

10 best things about rosh hashanah

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Fewer Manischewitz-related DUIs this year.

Another chance to join elite “I Slept in Temple” club.

After 3 days of non-stop prayer, Apples everywhere unbelievably excited.

Good day to reflect on the suffering of poor, horn-less rams.

Perfect time to rob houses en masse when all Jews simultaneously called to temple.

Solid opportunity to resent fellow Jewish co-worker who took day off to go bowling.

Good over/under on how many middle-age men yell “Tequi-la!” when Cantor blows shofar.

Party hats usable all year round.

When ball drops at midnight, everyone yelling Happy 5778!

Awareness that Rabbi can’t wait for it to end either.

PLRKNIB LAUNCHES ON AMAZON

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I’m extremely excited to announce that Plrknib is now available at Amazon.

Plrknib – which has been serialized for the past year over at www.plrknib.com – is about my experience doing stand-up comedy during my senior year of high school in 1980.

Early reviews have been great.  Including:

“Hysterical, edge-of-your-seat drama.”

“The Power of Jokes permeates this book…in a way rarely seen in fiction.”

“I felt as though I was on stage with him 30 years ago.”

Plrknib retails for $1.99 (ebook) and $6.99 (paperback).

And! – for this week only – if you’d like a free review copy, contact me at alexb0917@gmail.com and we’ll set you up!

 

coming soon

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Some early reviews are now coming in…

“Hilarious and Personal Memoir of What It’s Like to Follow Your Dream of Being A Stand-Up Comic.”

“In this gonzo, coming-of-age memoir set in the early 80’s, Alex Bernstein takes a situation most people might consider trivial – a teenager stealing a professional comedian’s joke – and turns it into high, hysterical, edge-of-your-seat drama.”

“I felt as though I was on stage with him 30 years ago.”

“Halfway thru this book I started telling everyone I knew that they needed to read it.”

“Wow. I Liked a Book About Stand-Up Comedy!”

harry potter grows up

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My piece Harry Potter Grows Up – outlining a new series of middle-aged adventures for the former boy wizard is up at The Big Jewel.

Here’s an excerpt:

Discovering that she is thoroughly unable to stop writing about her beloved creation, J. K. Rowling has announced a new spate of Harry Potter books chronicling his further adventures into adulthood.  Some upcoming titles include:

Harry Potter and…

The Nagging Quidditch Knee Injury

The Greatly Delayed Loan Payments for Three Damn Kids at Hogwarts

The Long-Delayed Switch from Owls to Skype

The Inappropriate Trade of Snapchat Pix with Luna Lovegood

more