Miserable Holiday Stories – Now in Print!

It’s the perfect stocking stuffer and cheaper than coal!

For the first time ever, Miserable Holiday Stories is now available in a print edition!  And just in time for the holidays!

Yes, now you can actually wrap up a physical copy of Miserable Holiday Stories – with a bow, if you like! – and send sleigh-loads of seasonal misery to family members and other people you don’t really like.  And, unlike the e-version, the print version is flammable and ready to help set your yule log ablaze!

Featuring the infamous chapter-book parody The #$@!# Bicycle Boys Save Christmas, Again!, the new print version of Miserable Holiday Stories is available from your favorite online retailers as well as discerning bookstores everywhere!

Pirated Video Sites Mostly Drop Louis C.K.

In light of his recent admission to sexual misconduct, the pirated video websites TorrentNitz and FreeeeMoviesNow! have removed most of their Louis C.K. content, including his emmy-winning FX show “Louie”, “Pootie Tang”, several of his earlier, less downloaded comedy specials, and his as-yet-unreleased-but-unbelievably-easy-to-obtain film “I Love You, Daddy.”

“We find this kind of behavior totally unacceptable of the people we steal content from,” said Roy Steemer, President and CEO of TorrentNitz. TorrentNitz recently removed a whole lot of their Kevin Spacey content.

In keeping with their standard policies and procedures, TorrentNitz and FreeMoviesNow! have already made “Justice League” available.

10 best things about rosh hashanah

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Fewer Manischewitz-related DUIs this year.

Another chance to join elite “I Slept in Temple” club.

After 3 days of non-stop prayer, Apples everywhere unbelievably excited.

Good day to reflect on the suffering of poor, horn-less rams.

Perfect time to rob houses en masse when all Jews simultaneously called to temple.

Solid opportunity to resent fellow Jewish co-worker who took day off to go bowling.

Good over/under on how many middle-age men yell “Tequi-la!” when Cantor blows shofar.

Party hats usable all year round.

When ball drops at midnight, everyone yelling Happy 5778!

Awareness that Rabbi can’t wait for it to end either.

PLRKNIB LAUNCHES ON AMAZON

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I’m extremely excited to announce that Plrknib is now available at Amazon.

Plrknib – which has been serialized for the past year over at www.plrknib.com – is about my experience doing stand-up comedy during my senior year of high school in 1980.

Early reviews have been great.  Including:

“Hysterical, edge-of-your-seat drama.”

“The Power of Jokes permeates this book…in a way rarely seen in fiction.”

“I felt as though I was on stage with him 30 years ago.”

Plrknib retails for $1.99 (ebook) and $6.99 (paperback).

And! – for this week only – if you’d like a free review copy, contact me at alexb0917@gmail.com and we’ll set you up!

 

coming soon

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Some early reviews are now coming in…

“Hilarious and Personal Memoir of What It’s Like to Follow Your Dream of Being A Stand-Up Comic.”

“In this gonzo, coming-of-age memoir set in the early 80’s, Alex Bernstein takes a situation most people might consider trivial – a teenager stealing a professional comedian’s joke – and turns it into high, hysterical, edge-of-your-seat drama.”

“I felt as though I was on stage with him 30 years ago.”

“Halfway thru this book I started telling everyone I knew that they needed to read it.”

“Wow. I Liked a Book About Stand-Up Comedy!”

harry potter grows up

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My piece Harry Potter Grows Up – outlining a new series of middle-aged adventures for the former boy wizard is up at The Big Jewel.

Here’s an excerpt:

Discovering that she is thoroughly unable to stop writing about her beloved creation, J. K. Rowling has announced a new spate of Harry Potter books chronicling his further adventures into adulthood.  Some upcoming titles include:

Harry Potter and…

The Nagging Quidditch Knee Injury

The Greatly Delayed Loan Payments for Three Damn Kids at Hogwarts

The Long-Delayed Switch from Owls to Skype

The Inappropriate Trade of Snapchat Pix with Luna Lovegood

more

15 best things about yom kippur

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  • Rabbi promised this year’s service much more fun and upbeat
  • Great time to brush up on your ABCs of Sin
  • JC Penney having its annual Day O’ Sufferin’ White Sale
  • One day of year that you get to make your “A-Toney the Tiger” joke
  • Infidelities from previous six months pretty much taken care of now
  • Fewer candy wrapper sounds than at regular service
  • Terrific time to really read all 3,259 memorial plaques in temple hallway
  • Silent Prayer – good time to think about all the bacon and shellfish you’ll be eating at break fast
  • Silent Prayer – great time to imagine Cantor suddenly breaking into Battle of Evermore
  • Pre-paid ambulances ready and waiting for post-break fast heart attacks and food comas
  • Fasting and gorging good practice for future anorexics
  • Fun visit from Yom Kippur Kevin and his Big’ Bag O’ Guilt
  • Having to explain to older folks that YK is not a virus that will attack their computer
  • Going into confessional booth to tell the Rabbi your sins
  • You waited all year to hear the Shofar and now, finally – wait, what?

19 best things about september

Can finally let the dog grow his hair back out.

Velcro cargo shorts no longer ruining all clothes in the laundry.

Not so much incentive to continue chlorinating the pool.

Great chance to see new Fall TV lineup before all shows are cancelled.

Excellent chance to catch up on moping.

Jewish high holidays always a rockin’ good time.

Less arguing with loved ones re what constitutes sweltering.

Neighbor had way more fireflies than you.

Couch occupied by children miraculously available again.

Harvest season looks promising.

Good time to stock up on batteries for upcoming hurricanes.

No more distracting, scantily clad women everywhere, all the time.

Great opportunity to pro-actively lower expectations for upcoming basketball season.

Irritation over everyone saying that went way too quickly! starting to diminish.

Thrilled to see Congress back in session and really getting some work done.

Not as concerned about whether or not people are effectively recycling their 3-D glasses.

Never had a tan, and don’t care anymore.

Not so bad if you’re an infant.

Reality that we adults never actually had the summer off abundantly clear now.