across the tundra

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My story Tundra is now live at Blue Skirt Productions.

Here’s an excerpt.

——————

December 22, 1969.

Just turn around

was the scratched record endlessly repeating in my head.

This is stupid. I’m stupid.

I should just turn around.

But when I got to Dell Farms, and it was farther back than forward, my dogged, irrational Want kept me moving straight on, ahead.

***

The lukewarm water was taking way too long to heat up the thermometer. And then I noticed Dad’s cigarettes and lighter on the back of the toilet. So, I flicked his Bic and held the flame under the thermometer bulb, and with a quick, tiny POPit exploded, shattering glass and mercury everywhere. My heart beating furiously, I quickly unrolled sheets and sheets of toilet paper and sopped up (or at least contained) the glass and liquid metal, and flushed the whole thing down the toilet, praying it wouldn’t clog. It didn’t. And I found and opened a new thermometer and ran it under the now warmer water.

101º.

Perfect.

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the #$@!# bicycle boys save christmas, again! (and so can you!)

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“Santa Claus has been kidnapped!” exclaimed the President of the United States. “This is a crisis only The Bicycle Boys can handle!”

I’m pleased to announce that The #$@!# Bicycle Boys Save Christmas, Again! has been released as a Kindle eBook on Amazon.com. In a stand-alone tale from Miserable Holiday Stories, Flip and Chip, junior detectives, go on their wildest adventure yet in this “fake” chapter book that Amazon readers are calling “hilariously funny.”  (No, really, they’re actually calling it that.)

Even more importantly, from now until 12/31/14 all proceeds from both Bicycle Boys and Miserable Holiday Stories (after Amazon takes their cut) will be donated to Newark Renaissance House! – a specialized therapeutic community designed to meet the unique needs of adolescents, and men and women who are suffering from the affects of substance abuse.  Since 1975, Newark Renaissance House has been saving thousands of lives, one day at a time.

Click here to order Bicycle Boys.

Click here to order Miserable Holiday Stories.

For more information on Newark Renaissance House, please go to www.nrh.org.

miserable holiday stories

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Yes, it’s that time of year to Give the Gift of Misery!  Sure, you’ve already got your copy of Miserable Holiday Stories.  Now’s your chance to ruin someone else’s festive season, with the gift that stops giving after about twelve-and-a-half minutes.

Here’s what Reviewers on Amazon are saying:

“These are some of the funniest holiday stories I have ever read.”

Miserable Holiday Stories is, at turns, funny (Gypsy, Bicycle Boys) and heartbreaking (Balance, The Smoking Lounge, etc) and always edgy and engrossing.”

“The K-Rope is a genre in and of itself.”

“‘The #$@!# Bicycle Boys Save Christmas, Again’ is worth the price of admission (not to mention “Gypsy,” which is worth at least $1.63).”

“My personal favs are Blue Christmas and the quirky and surprising Smoking Lounge.”

“Wonderful Voice, Bright and Entertaining”

“This #$@!# is funny!”

Click here to order on Amazon.

miserable holiday stories – more easter eggs

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Time for a Miserable Holiday Stories update!  Here are some random answers to questions that no one was really asking.

  • MHS is now up on Nook and Smashwords.
  • The Nook and Smashwords versions have different Easter egg stories than the one on Amazon.  (And Amazon’s had two so far.)  So, floating out there on the internet – I’m not saying “on the webs” –  doesn’t that sound awful? – there are four different Easter egg stories.
  • Honestly, they’re not even really all “stories”.  Well, a couple of them are pretty much stories.  But a couple of them are just extended bits.  All run a half-page or so.  So, quantity-wise they’re all pretty equal.  They’re all pretty equal quality-wise, too, actually.  So no harm, no foul.
  • All of the pieces are, at least, winter-themed, if not holiday-themed.  Because I know that’s really important.
  • The names of the pieces are:  “Too Much Snow”, “Norelco Electric Shaver”, “Santas on the Subway”, and “Blizzard”.
  • One of them is a particular favorite.  But they’re all pretty good, in my opinion.  I feel no shame in offering up any of them, and my goal was to make them all fairly equal in worth.

One question that some people have actually asked:

  • Yes, I did the cover myself.
  • The cover at the top, btw, was planned to be the cover for quite a long time, until about a day before we published – at which point it was pointed out that this would look way too small in the thumbnails that Amazon so often uses.  Hence, the current cover with the really big fonts.

Hmm.  What else?

  • Got some nice reviews on Amazon.  Hey!
  • (Feel free to add your own!)
  • The book remains vaguely readable, despite the fact that the holidays are over.  In other words, many of the stories will most likely still depress you, 24/7/365.  But having a pumpkin latte nearby may add to the overall misery quotient.)

Oh, and