mom comes to visit

Scene – JEFF and BETH settle cozily onto the couch with Chinese food and prepare to watch TV. Jeff glances over at Beth, and flirts with her.  She flirts back.

JEFF:  I’m glad we got to spend more time together this weekend.

BETH:  Me too.  It’s been great.

They watch TV.  Jeff puts his arm around her.  They look into each other’s eyes, snuggle closer, as if about to kiss.  Suddenly, a screeching, bird-like VOICE comes from offstage.

MOM (OS):  Jeff!?  Jeff – are you home?!

JEFF:  Oh no.

BETH:  Maybe if we’re quiet, she’ll go away…?

MOM:  Jeff?!  Is that you?  Are you here?!  I love you! It’s your mother, Jeff!  Are you in there?

JEFF’S MOM enters in baggy housecoat, and loaded down with several large suitcases. When she talks she sounds like a broken, skipping record.

MOM:  There you are!  It’s me, Jeff! Your mother! I love you! Who’s this?!  Who’s this?!

JEFF:  It’s Beth, Mom.  You’ve met, like, five times.

MOM:  I’m his mother!  I love him! Do you love him?

BETH (embarrassed):  Uhm…well…uh…

MOM:  I love him!  I’m his mother!

JEFF:  I didn’t know you were here, Mom.

MOM:  I yelled!  From outside!  

JEFF:  I guess I didn’t hear you.  

MOM:  I yelled 27 times!! Since early this morning?

BETH:  What did you say?

Jeff glares at Beth.  She smiles, innocently.  

MOM:  JEFF! THIS IS YOUR MOTHER!  I LOVE YOU! THIS IS YOUR MOTHER!!

JEFF:  Wow. I guess I just didn’t hear you.  

Mom suddenly withdraws a large knife out of one of her suitcases and threatens them with it.

MOM:  YOU DIDN’T?! I COULD KILL YOU!

There is a short moment of intense fear.

MOM:  Just kidding. I love him! I’m his mother!

She puts the knife away.  They relax, slightly.

JEFF:  Why don’t you go upstairs and get some rest, Mom?

MOM:  Oh no! I’ll just stay here! I’ll stay here with you!

BETH (to Jeff):  Maybe we could find her a hotel?

MOM (pulling out knife again):  Jeff!  Jeff! I don’t like her!  I DON’T LIKE HER!

Another moment of intense fear.

MOM:  Just kidding. Do you love him?

Beth grits her teeth.

BETH:  Uhm – that’s such a strong –

MOM:  I love him, too!

BETH:  You’re his mother!

MOM:  Right!  That’s me!

Suddenly, Mom drops all her suitcases, opens one up and starts rifling through it. She tosses clothes all over the room looking for whatever she is looking for.

MOM:  Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!  It’s here! I know it’s here! I know it! I just know it’s here! WAIT! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I know it’s here! I know it’s here!

She stops for a moment and looks up.

MOM:  I’m his mother.

Mom dives back into her bags.

MOM:  AH HAH!

Triumphantly, she pulls out a DVD.

MOM:  Deadpool!

She puts it in the DVD player, nearby, turns it on and sits down. She opens another suitcase, which is full of nothing but popcorn. She eats and watches TV.

BETH:  I’ve never seen Deadpool.

MOM:  Great movie! Stay and watch!

JEFF (to Beth):  Maybe we should go out?

MOM:  STAY AND WATCH!

BETH:  Why don’t we stay and watch for a while?

The stay and watch. The movie comes on.  After a moment, Mom leans over and talks to Jeff. He is annoyed by her talking during the movie.

MOM:  How are you?  You look well.  Grampa bought a new car! It has a stick shift.  I can’t drive a stick shift!

JEFF (whispering):  Shh…not during the movie, Mom.

MOM:  What’s Bunco?!  Everyone plays Bunco.  

BETH:  I think it’s a game drunk Soccer Moms play.

MOM:  Bunco! Bunco! Bunco!

JEFF:  Don’t encourage her.

MOM:  When I was young I had a kitten!

JEFF:  Mom, please –

MOM:  His name was Snowball!

JEFF:  Shhh…

MOM:  Snowball got hit by a car!  BAM! No more Snowball! Ha ha.

JEFF:  MOM, SHUT UP!  

Beat.  Mom looks hurt.  Like she may cry.  Jeff looks apologetic.  

JEFF:  Sorry. I’m sorry.  It’s been a rough day.

Mom smiles.  They all sit back and watch the movie.  Mom starts singing.

MOM:   Raindrops on roses and soft woolen mitten.

             Flowers and laundry and 200 kittens.

             Tie them all up with a big piece of string.

              These are a few of my favorite things.

She start eating lots of popcorn while she sings.

MOM:   Basketball, horseshoes and watching the Beaver.

             Buying a new car and getting a fever.

             Pinching the waiter and having a fling.

             These are a few of my favorite-

Abruptly, she starts choking on popcorn. They watch her without helping. She chokes, falls to the ground, spazzes a bit-

MOM:  Jeff! Jeff! I’m choking! I’m choking! I’m- Jeff! Jeff! This is your mother!  I love you! I – I – I –

She chokes.  Finally, Jeff smacks her on the back. She coughs out a piece of popcorn and passes out. They wait a second and then Jeff presses his fingers next to her throat, checking her pulse.

JEFF:  …She’s fine.

BETH:  Want to finish the movie?

JEFF:  Sure.

BLACKOUT

ace and me

Gi60 – the annual, international one minute play festival – is this weekend at the Department of Theater at Brooklyn College.  For ticket information, click here. I’ve had pieces in the show for several years now.

Here’s “Ace & Me” – about my dog – from last year’s show.

the brittany clarke interview

My piece, The Brittany Clarke Interview is now up at the extremely well-named Back Hair Advocate.

 

The Brittany Clarke Interview

The Tawny Rumaine Show in progress. TAWNY plays host to BRITTANY CLARKE.

TAWNY: We’re back! So. Brittany. Brittany Clarke!

BRIT: Yes.

TAWNY: This was it. This was the year that Brittany Clarke took a second rate character – Joan Johnson – on a completely forgettable show – Still Married! – and turned her into an icon.

BRIT: Well – it wasn’t just me –

TAWNY: (to audience) Did she not revolutionize television!? Yes! Yes, she did!

more

breaking bad – the flynn phone

Waltphone2a

INT.  WHITE LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
SKYLER, tearful and distraught, speaks on the phone to WALT.  POLICEMEN, nearby, listen in on the conversation.

INTERCUT

EXT.  STREET
WALT, angry, bleeding, and distraught, talks emotionally to Skyler.

SKYLER
Just come home.

WALT
I’ve still got things left to do.

Walt hangs up and attempts to rip his cellphone in half, but – surprisingly – it doesn’t break.  Ferociously, he twists and twists and twists at it.  He smashes in against his car.  It still doesn’t break.  Angrily, he throws the phone to the ground and jumps up and down on it.  He pulls out a gun and shoots it.  He picks the phone up and stares at it, wide-eyed.  It’s in perfect condition.

MONTAGE of Walt trying different methods to destroy the phone.

* METH LAB – in yellow, Tychem hazmat suit, Walt holds the phone – via pincers – over a vat of bubbling, smoking acid.  He dips the phone, then brings it back up.  The phone is perfect.
* BEHIND GARAGE – Walt tries to pull the phone apart via gigantic electromagnets.  A nearby RV shakes uncontrollably.  The cellphone doesn’t move.  Walt reacts, impressed.
* LARGE CONCRETE BUNKER – Walt flings a piece of crystal at the phone, which causes a massive explosion.  The phone remains unharmed.  Walt stares, agog.  The phone BUZZES.

A text message appears:    CAN I PLEASE GET THE DEMO PHONE BACK?  IT’S MY ONLY COPY!!! – SAUL

Walt stares at phone.  A devious idea comes to him, and he grins.

INT.  SAUL GOODMAN’S OFFICE – DAY
SAUL, recently killed, lies in a pool of blood in his office.

EXT.  SAUL GOODMAN’S OFFICE
Walt rushes out of the office, gun dangling by his side.

EXT. HIGHWAY
Walt with giant barrel of money and bags waits to be picked up by SAUL’s NEW IDENTITY MAN.  A van pulls up, Walt gets in.  The van zooms off.

TITLE        ONE YEAR LATER

INT.  LIVING ROOM SET – DAY
A cheery INFOMERCIAL.  Walt, poorly disguised, with dark full head of hair, muttonchops and a skewed Dali-esque moustache, sits on a large couch next to his cheerful young new WIFE who cradles their newborn baby SON.  They look very familial and sit across from JOAN RIVERS.  Joan holds up a bright, crystal blue cellphone and addresses the camera.

JOAN
You can smash it, bash it, crush it, drop it out of a plane, poison it with Ricin!  This phone will work!  What’s it called again?

WALT
(proudly) The Flynn.  Made from my own special sauce!

JOAN
And if billionaire Whitey Waltzenberger –

WALT happily points to himself.

JOAN
– and his family believe in it, you should too!

WALT and his new WIFE joyfully hold up their phones.

JOAN
Thank you, Whitey!

WALT
Thank you, Joan!

JOAN
Can I keep this?

WALT
I would advise against it.

They all laugh.  Walt starts to cough – and coughs up some blood into his hand.

SUPER
The FLYNN
$39.99 for the next 20 minutes!
May not be available in New Mexico

your handwriting

JEFF
Is my handwriting messy?

Sophie glances over at a notepad with Jeff’s writing on it.

JEFF
Daphne said my handwriting’s messy.  I don’t think it’s messy.  Small – but it’s not messy.  At least I don’t write in swirls and flourishes –

SOPHIE
Write your name.

Jeff writes his name, hands the notepad to Sophie.

SOPHIE
I have no idea what this says.

JEFF
Oh c’mon –

She takes his pen and writes:  JEFF ROBINSON in large, readable, block letters.

SOPHIE
That’s what your signature looks like to you.

She writes a long squiggly line – that is clearly nothing but a long squiggly line.

SOPHIE
That’s your signature to everyone else.

 Jeff takes back the notepad.  A WAITER brings more coffee.

gypsy

Gypsy is up at The Big Jewel.

Do you love me? Am I not beautiful? I am beautiful. I am gypsy in the caravan Karakadolianakas. I am Gina Linda Maria Karakadolianakas — the most beautiful dancer in the whole caravan. I know this because my mother, Rapunzel Linda Maria Karakadolianakas tells me so every day. And also because I have had many lovers. Many many many lovers. But no man captures the heart of gypsy. I am free like the wind. And he is small and icky like insects crawling in the bog — and you have to watch where you’re stepping — because — because — you don’t know what’s down there, and you just have to be careful.

But I spit on him. Because I am gypsy.    more